Life's not fair. Don't forget it

        

            Today, June 4, 2015, this memory was on my timehop app.   Exactly ten days after I declared this on twitter, I was proven right in the most horrific way.  I don't remember exactly what made me type this out for social media, but today, this statement makes me cringe.  It sounds so callous and uncaring.  Maybe I was trying to make myself feel better about something I was going through, maybe I was being a sarcastic jerk... I'm not sure.  This post however made me feel enough discomfort to finally write another post.

I've been thinking about other cliche' sayings, such as, "hurting people, hurt people" and "you can only give as much as you have to give".  

No one said that life was going to be fair, but sometimes, the unfairness of it all makes me want to scream.  In 10 days, it will have been 2 years since I lost my youngest daughter.  She would be 10 in July.  I miss her every day. Some days are easier than others, but the number one challenge that I face nowadays is that I fear I am doing irreparable damage to some of the closest relationships that I have.

I have a very difficult time being around young girls.  It felt normal at the beginning to feel jealousy or sadness when Abby's friends or cousins would have birthdays, dance recitals, cheer competitions, play-dates, etc.  However, I thought those feelings would decrease with time.  Unfortunately, those feelings have increased with time.

 I've RSVP'd for birthday parties that I can not bring myself to attend.  I feel guilty that I let these feelings interfere with the relationships of my friends/cousins/sisters that have daughters.

I am thankful that I don't ever have to apologize for not being able to give more than I have.

I am thankful for the people in my life that challenge me and help me through the things that I can not get through my self. I am also thankful that I am surrounded by people who understand that I am doing my best and that are gracious enough to let me fall short without judgement.

In turn, I have learned grace in dealing with others.  I am constantly reminded that some people are dealing with things that I could never comprehend, and they cope the only way they know how.  They can not give more than they have to give.

These past 2 years have been challenging in every way.  I have been challenged to be slow to anger, I have been challenged to be patient, I have been challenged to remain full of faith, I have been challenged to love people where they're at and not judge them, I have been challenged to deny my pride and admit when I need help and I have been challenged to choose joy.  I don't always succeed, but I will never give up.

Thoughts...

There is so much that I want to write.

First of all... Through this blog, I met an amazing woman named Lacey and her family.  Her son, Collin, had an AVM rupture late last year.  I had the privilege to visit them and spend some time with them in the hospital.  Collin survived his rupture and now faces struggles that I can not even imagine. You can follow his journey and progress at Collin's Journey .
Their story (and faith) has amazed me and I believe that Lacey, Jamie and Devon possess strength that none of us can comprehend.
She has been an amazing support to me and I am very thankful for her.

Secondly... I came across this picture of Nate's prayer while Abby was in the hospital.  He has been the only one of my children that will not talk about the day Abigail got sick.  It breaks my heart that he has internalized so much and I pray that one day he will open up.

Third... My sister, Liz took the picture of me holding Abby's hand while she was in a coma.  I had absolutely no idea that she did and I am so incredibly grateful that she did.  It is a heartbreaking picture, but it is the last picture that I have of me and my baby.  She also put together a photo book for me that I am able to look through time to time.  Sometimes, it's too painful...other times, it is comforting.  I absolutely love that book.

Next... My first Mother's day without my sweet Abigail came and it began with me waking up in tears.  My boys heard me crying and dropped what they were doing to come and comfort me.  They were precious.  They hugged me, rubbed my back, told me that they missed her too, and started talking about fun memories. They are the best sons that a mother could ever ask for.  Calla made me a collage poster with pictures of all 4 of my kids, and it was the best present I could have imagined receiving.  My kids, who I am supposed to be so strong for, were my rocks and I am so proud of the strength and love that they possess.

Lastly...  Tomorrow marks 11 months since Abigail passed away.  I am terrified at the prospect of the year anniversary of her death.  This next month may be the hardest one yet and I do not know how to prepare.  Please keep my family and me in your prayers, send me pictures of her if you have them, and or memories of her.  I would love to read about the impression that she left on you.  She was amazing, inspiring, full of life and excitement... she will always be a part of who I am, but I am scared that I will forget things about her as time moves on.

Thank you all for your love and support.  I would not have made it through this past year without you.

Calla's perspective

I'm hoping one day Calla will be able to share with me the nightmare that she experienced the day that Abby was screaming about how much her head hurts.  She and my dad were watching Abby that horrible day.  I would love to be able to help her deal with the things she experienced and the heartbreaking emotions that she felt.  Until then, I think what she wrote about Abby is beautiful and it is a great start.

This is what Calla wrote about her baby sister, Abigail.  It is beautiful and it breaks my heart at the same time.  I love my daughter with all that I am and I hope that someday she will be able to realize what an amazing sister she was and how much Abby adored her.

I feel like writing about my sister Abby right now ... She passed away this summer on June 14th, many of you know this. She was my best friend, I told her everything. I told her things I never told anyone else, and to this day I still have told no one else. Even though she was only 7 I could trust her with anything, she was a great secret keeper. She was a very hyper girl and she always had the attention on her. She was very extreme she was never mellow she was either super happy or mad or excited or whatever she was NEVER calm. She made everything exciting (except for cleaning our room). We shared a room her whole life and I miss that . I sometimes look over and try to say something to her, but then I remember she's not there. That's one of the hardest things , it's just like sometimes my brain forgets that she's gone like I don't want to believe it. I had so many plans as a big sister, I was excited I could help her with boys or drive her to the mall when we were both older. You know the things that older sisters do. Sometimes we fight but I would give anything to fight with her again. She was always there when I needed her or wanted someone to hang out with. We used to watch Ghost Adventures together that was one of her favorite shows. I always made her watch scary movies with me because I wanted her to like them when she grew up. I could sit here for hours and go on about everything I miss about her. She was one of the only people I could trust. I will never stop missing her and I will never be able to replace her. I love you and miss you Abby, I hope you're having fun in heaven. <3

Please keep Calla in your prayers as she continues to try to navigate the loss of her sister and best friend.

Changes

2013 was full of change for me.  I started the year with a family of 6.  At the beginning of February, my husband moved out and we got divorced.  We split custody of the 4 children 50/50.  So, being alone 50% of the time was an adjustment, but I navigated my way pretty well through that change.  In June, Abigail passed away and I was left with one less child.  My family of 6 became a family of 4... Calla, Trevor, Nate and me.  I still haven't figured out exactly how to navigate this change so gracefully.  As a matter of fact, sometimes the way I deal with it is completely ugly and ungraceful.  I'm not sure how ANYONE would deal with it, but I am doing my best.

We still legally have 50/50 custody of the children, but Calla stays with me and my dad at my house.  There are definite emotional struggles that I still need to figure out how to deal with, but again, I am working on it.

The more "realistic" issues that I've recently thought about that I haven't figured out yet are things like grocery shopping and cooking.  I used to shop and cook for 7 people, and I haven't adjusted to shopping and cooking for 3 people half of the time and 5 people the other half.  I either really over-do the shopping and cooking and have so much left over that even if we eat it for 3 days, I still have to throw food away, OR I under estimate the amount of groceries/toilet paper and cooking and we run out of things.  If I could figure this out, I could probably save a good amount of money.

The other issue that I seem to be failing at, is making sure that my kids have enough of things... socks, boots, gloves etc.   With split custody, I think this can be figured out with time, experience and communication.  I assume that their stuff is at their dad's house and he probably assumes that they have these things at my house.   I recently found out that my kids don't have snow boots!?!  I should know this stuff... I guess there is a lot going on in my mind, but it's just another example of the adjustments to divorce.

3 children is A LOT less than 4.  I didn't realize what a big difference there was between those numbers, but everything take a little less work.  My kids are growing up and need me less, and my baby is gone.  Abby was the one that I had to help the most with day to day things.  It has left me with a lot of time on my hands.  I sometimes can't handle the downtime and just recently realized that I need to be more productive with my healing, especially during these times that I have to myself.  Someone recently told me that I have been spending too much time and energy ignoring the changes instead of dealing with them.  Although that was hard to hear, he was right.   Since then, I have sought help, found information to help me when I'm starting to panic and have made a plan of action.  It's in its early stages, but I am determined to see it through.

2013 took a lot from me.  Now it's time to find out who I am with my small family of 4.  This is going to be hard.

Make Me Feel Something, and I'll Make a Joke"

When it starts, I have no idea how to contain it.  I can't control it, I can't stop it and the more I worry about how to deal with it or if I'm going to make the right choices while dealing with it, the worse it gets.  It could last for a couple hours, it could be days... I never know when or how it will end.

I beat myself up.  I feel tremendous guilt.  I feel like I'll never be a good enough mom.  I have 3 children who need me, but I don't even know how I am going to make it through the night sometimes.  My heart actually aches, my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I believe a million horrible things about myself because I'm so depressed and anxiety ridden, but I'm supposed to be this strong, loving, healthy and positive person who has everything together.

I start telling myself that no one really wants someone like me around.  Who would want someone like me around?? It wouldn't make sense that anyone would value a relationship with me. I don't have anything to offer anyone... I don't deserve friends.  I don't deserve someone that would love me through this.  

Once my anxiety starts, it's like I'm a completely different person than who I normally am.... but what if this is really who I am, and the rest of the time I am pretending? 

My first instinct is to push everyone away... It's almost a compulsion....  I'll remember that I told my friends that I would hang out with them tomorrow, but I'm definitely not going and I'll just send a text and cancel.  I will push everyone away before they walk away... it will be my choice.  When I recognize that I am doing that, and I try to counteract it and be honest with people about it, things get messed up. I start to stress out about how I am going to handle myself around them the next time I see them, or the stupid insecure things I might say the next time I talk to them.   I can't explain to them "Hey, I really value our relationship, but right at this very moment I believe that you don't want anything to do with me.  Please just tell me why you like me, so that I can begin to find some positive things to tell myself right now."
You have to really trust someone to be that open and vulnerable with them... most of the time I'm too afraid to say anything because my fears will be confirmed.   It is much safer and less hurtful to make the decision remove myself before they make the decision that I am disposable.

I am in the middle of the beginning part of the anxiety attack right now.  The part where it would definitely be better if I just didn't talk to anyone right now.  I can't think of one single reason that it would be beneficial to be with someone else right now, but all I want to do is to call someone and BEG them to spend some time with me.  I won't do it.  I'm not that person. I am not someone who needs anyone else to be happy or to be OK.  I guess I would rather take that to an extreme than to be considered needy or codependent.
But it's normal for humans to crave human interaction, right?  It doesn't make me crazy or insecure to desire to speak with, or be in the company of, or get a hug from someone, right?  I don't know...  I don't know how to maintain friendships/relationships.
 I would give anyone anything at anytime.  I LOVE helping people and loving people, I just don't know how to ask for that in return... I can't ask for it because I don't feel like I deserve it.

I have no answers at this very moment.

If you are reading this, I hope you aren't hoping I tell you how to get through it...  I have no idea.

If you are reading this, please don't feel the need to "fix" it for me.

If you are reading this, please don't leave a comment full of compliments.

If you are reading this, the last thing I want from you is sympathy, that would make me angry because I would feel patronized.

I am only writing this blog right at this very moment so that I don't destroy relationships in my life because that is exactly what I would be doing right now.

I am writing to replace the compulsion to call and beg someone to accept me.  I am writing JUST distract myself.

Feel sorry for me if you want... or don't... I don't care. But PLEASE don't leave a comment that tells me that you do.

If you are absolutely DYING to tell me how to get over it, or to tell me that you are praying for me, or to tell me that God is enough, or that I am strong or that I am lovely... don't.  Tell me a joke, instead.  Make me laugh.  If I made you feel something with this blog, tell me your best or your worst joke...   After all, I think that sums me up pretty well. - "Make me feel something, and I'll make a joke"

 

What Happened To Abby?

It was the second to last day of school, and the kids and I got ready. Abby was doing just fine, as a matter of fact, she and I had a dance party and danced to her favorite song like we did every morning (mostly to annoy whichever brother was in the bad mood that day). They got on the bus, and went to school... still a normal day.
They had been at Aaron's house since Saturday, but they come home every morning before school. It was Wednesday, so I got them again until Sunday. Aaron called me to tell me that Trevor had been having trouble breathing and that I might want to see if I could get him into the doctor. I called the doctor that morning and they told me that they could see him at 12:30. I told my boss I was going to take him to the doctor and come back.
When I was leaving work, I called my oldest daughter, Calla, to let her know I was on my way to get Trevor and to let Nate and Abby know that they could go with me, but they had to be ready.
(it was a half day of school)

While I was on the phone with Calla, she told me that Abby was crying and in her bed because of a headache...she told me that she wouldn't stop crying. I told her that I would be right there and That I'd check on her. When I got home, Abby was in Calla's bed and I talked to her. She looked miserable, but it was really hot outside and she had been out playing since she got home from school. I asked her if she'd had any water and she said no, so I got her a glass of water, told her to drink it and lay down to rest. I told her I had to take Trevor to the doctor, but I'd be right back to make sure that she felt better.

At the doctor, blood tests and chest x-rays were ordered and I was supposed to have taken Trevor to the radiology department right away, but I discovered that I didn't have the insurance card. I called Aaron to see if he could meet me at my house (he was off work at this point) and get Trevor back to the doctor so I could get back to work. He agreed.
Trevor, Nate and I stopped at the store to get some snacks. They both bought a stuffed animal and picked one out for Abby (one that they never got to give her until she was in a coma). While I was getting in my car, Calla called again and said that Abby was puking and not talking to her. She said that she said "ABBY!?" and Abby answered, "hello?"

I got home about 2 minutes later to find Calla with Abby on the bathroom floor. Abby was covered in puke and wouldn't move and Calla had a wash cloth and a change of clothes trying to get her cleaned up.
I told Calla that I would take care of it and I thanked her for taking care of Abby.

Abby was in a ball on the floor, leaned up against the bathtub. I said, "Poor baby, your head still hurts, huh? I'm gonna clean you up and see how you feel after that." She said "yes." I moved her and took her shirt off and kept talking to her as I wiped her down.

She stopped responding and stopped breathing a little.. I rubbed her chest and tried to get her talking to me again. When I rubbed her chest, her breathing got deeper again, but she wasn't responding. I yelled for Calla to bring me the phone and dial 911. I was trying really hard not to panic, but I knew something was wrong... my first thought was meningitis... I wish I was right...about meningitis, that is.

I talked to the 911 operator and told her what was going on. My voice was panicked and shaky, but I was holding it together.

The ambulance got there in 2-3 minutes, but it felt like an eternity while I was trying to get her to respond to me. I was getting little responses, but nothing that was making me less terrified.

When the paramedics got there, I got out of their way. The one did a few basic checks on her and then scooped her up and ran out of the house with her... Aaron had just gotten there to meet me for Trevor and he held the door for them. He was confused and scared, I'm sure.

They put her on the stretcher and called a few codes into the radio as they put her in the back of the ambulance. They told me to get in and asked me tons of questions.

I felt so inadequate... She hadn't been with me for longer than the morning for the past few days, so I couldn't give an accurate recent history... So they had to ask Aaron.

THEN, they wanted to know what happened immediately before her headache... and, again, I hadn't been with her, so they had to ask Calla and my dad. I actually got out of the ambulance because I was useless at that point.

I had to grab my purse, make sure I had the insurance card, my phone, ask my dad to call my boss...

I got back to the ambulance and I was carrying the shirt that I never got to put on her.

By this time all of the neighbors were out on the sidewalk watching and 2 fire trucks had shown up...

I was in denial... I knew something tragic was about to happen,... I just knew it.. but I couldn't let myself believe it.

They closed the ambulance doors and we drove away.

The 2 EMTs were amazing with her and with me.

They kept asking her questions and she wasn't answering, but finally...

He asked if she could hear him and she gave a "thumbs up". I noticed it and yelled, "look at her thumb" She gave 3 more thumbs up and I told her I was right there and that I loved her so much

She never responded again...

We got to Garden City hospital and the doctor didn't give us any hope. He said, "We are giving her a ct scan, but as soon as that is done, she will be airlifted to Children's hospital and we will give them the results as soon as we get them."

She got the scan, and he told me she had a brain bleed, but they were waiting on further results, and she was no longer stable enough for an air lift.

They had to send the mobile NICU from Children's Hospital.The PandaOne (mobile NICU) got there and they loaded her in. I realized that the medics from the first ambulance ride were still there and one of them made sure I was able to ride with the PandaOne. I had to sit in the front seat. That paramedic helped me into the front seat and said he'd be praying... I was so appreciative that this man didn't leave my side for one second

On the way there...

We were riding with sirens and lights and people were not stopping... I wanted to scream at them. I was bound and determined to keep my composure.

The driver asked if I was ok. I explained that all I wanted to do was jump in front of all of the medical professionals and hug her, but I knew that her only chance of survival at that point was to have me stay out of the way.
She told me how much parents like me make their job easier.
We made some small talk about how people always pull over when she is driving a Children's ambulance, but this one didn't say children's on it.

I can picture in my mind every single car that we passed... every light, every single second from the time I was on the bathroom floor with Abby until I got to Children's hospital in Detroit.

It's like a terrible movie that I can't forget... but I don't want to forget either.

From the time that they unloaded Abby at Children's and they told me that evening that surgery wasn't an option because of the location of the bleed and because they couldn't stabilize her enough to even give her an MRI and that she most likely would never wake up from a coma if she even lived... that whole part is a blur.

I can't tell you who I talked to, who was there, what they told me, how I felt or anything... It is literally a blur.

The next thing that I remember is walking up the ramp in the family waiting room to tell my family that the neurosurgeon just told me that there was nothing he could do for her.

By then... I guess all of Facebook knew of Abby and what was happening. I'm not sure what happened or why so many people cared so deeply about it, but I was so appreciative and humbled.

When I was first talking with the neurosurgeon... he said that since she had no prior symptoms of any sort of brain bleed... dizziness, slurred speech, headaches... until she got her terrible headache hours earlier, they were confident that she had an AVM rupture. they could tell from the CT scan, that the bleed was in her brain stem, in the exact spot that they could not operate. Besides the location of the bleed, she was too unstable for surgery... they couldn't even get her stable enough for an MRI to diagnose the problem with 100% certainty, but given the chain of events, he would be willing to put his credibility on the line and report the cause of death as an AVM rupture. She had never breathed on her own since the middle of the first ambulance ride.

She never responded to anything. 

They never suggested pulling her off of the life support. They gave us the "hope" of trying to stabilize her enough by the morning for tests.

I CLUNG to the words "stabilize her enough for tests"

BUT,  he also said, surgery wasn't an option, he mentioned a death certificate, and organ donation... I ignored all of that... until... those words came out of my mouth when speaking to the family... That was the first time I cried.

I stayed at the hospital Wednesday night with her... Thursday night with her... Friday night they declared her death.

We signed papers for organ donation and stayed with her body on the machines Friday night...

Saturday, I found out that they wouldn't be able to do the organ transplants until Sunday... Father's day.

I stayed with her again Saturday night. Aaron went home and came back... It was father's day and Abby was dead... The nurse and I talked him into going home to be with our other 3 children that needed and wanted him. Abby no longer needed him, but Calla, Trevor and Nathanial did.

I stayed with her until they wheeled her away to do the organ transplants.

Walking away from that hospital without Abby was the hardest thing I've ever done... and I was completely alone.

It was the darkest day of my life.

not Friday... not Wednesday... but Sunday...

Somehow, I had the comfort that although Aaron and I did not get our miracle, and that Father's day was absolutely the worst day for Aaron... There were 6 other families that got their miracle...they had the best Father's Day imaginable because of my sweet Abby.

Her organs were a PERFECT match for every person that received them... that alone is miraculous.

and her organs were PERFECT

every single organ was perfect

and her heart is beating in the chest of a 6 year old boy in Illinois.

her lungs and liver are in one little girl

her kidneys went to 2 different people

her corneas went to a 56 year old woman

her pancreas went to a little girl with diabetes

Abby was put here on earth to be a miracle for these people.

........................................................................................

Now that Abby has been gone for 6 months, the comfort and understanding of knowing that she saved lives is diminishing.  I no longer find that comfort when I think of all of other families who were blessed by Abby's death... I feel more anger, bitterness, sadness, emptiness and instability.   I'm not sure how to work through it. There are days that I feel as if I am unraveling and and it is scary.  I don't know what else to do right now, except to write about it.   I don't think keeping my pain a secret is healthy and I'm sure I'm not really fooling anyone.

 Be patient with me, I'm not who I used to be.
The person I was on June 12, 2013 when I accompanied my youngest daughter into the hospital is a completely different person than who I was when I left hospital without her on June 16, 2013. 

I wish

I wish...

I wish that I could be a better aunt and not have to avoid all of my nieces' special events, like birthdays and Christmas productions because I can't bear the thought of watching little girls grow up.

I wish that I could be a better sister and not have to avoid visiting my sister in the hospital today because it brings back terrible flashbacks.

I wish I could be vulnerable enough to actually let someone see with their own eyes, the pain that I experience when I'm missing Abby or when I see a sick little girl, or an ambulance driving down the street.

I wish I could let myself cry in front of someone and let them comfort me.

I wish I could be more real and not hide behind jokes when my thoughts go any deeper than the surface and they attach themselves to feelings which scare the hell out of me.  I am terrified of feeling anything.

I wish I were able to enjoy an afternoon alone without feeling completely empty and lost.

I wish I were brave...