Monday, July 22, 2013

Misery Doesn't Always Love Company

I've been avoiding writing because trying to tackle my thoughts the past couple days has been too painful.  I have been trying to stay busy with anything that will keep my mind off of any of the things that are too painful to deal with.

Yesterday was a tough day.  I was doing my laundry and for some reason, a pair of Abby's pants were in my dirty clothes.  I wasn't expecting it, but I broke down.  It was an unanticipated emotional response that caught me off guard and almost sent me back to bed.  My mom was there with me and I told her what had happened.  I knew she wanted to comfort me, but I wouldn't let her... I walked away.  When I am really sad, I want to be alone.  I don't want to share my grief with anyone because 1.) I don't want anyone to see me like that and 2.) I know that it will make whoever I'm with sad, as well, and I will end up feeling the need to comfort them.   

There are some days where I am completely overwhelmed and can't even start the simplest of tasks.  That is when I appreciate someone being there to help motivate me, and my mom is always there for that. 

Yesterday, after the laundry incident, I decided to give up on the day (it was 4pm).   The kids were at their dad's house, so I figured I would just take a shower and go to bed for the night.  After my shower, I laid down and tried to sleep.  I had told some friends that I would come hang out with them, but I decided to skip that and be alone in my misery... or sleep to forget about it.  While I was laying there, I kept thinking that I really needed to get up and go, otherwise this depression was really going to take over.   So, I got up.  I went to my friend's house, and I was blessed with exactly what I needed.  These friends will let me talk about Abby without getting upset...they listen.  They will smile with me when I want to talk about how amazing she was and how proud I am to have been chosen to be her mom.  They will dance with me because they know exactly how to lift my spirits.  They will pray with me because they know that God is the only one who can truly comfort me.  I am so incredibly blessed to have friends like this.   Besides these particular friends, I have realized that I am surrounded by people who love me and would do anything for me and my family.  I may not always be able to ask for what I need, I may not always be able to talk to them because it's too difficult, but I will always appreciate everything that they have done for me, are willing to do for me, and how much they love me. 

I know that my friends want to be there for me, and sometimes that they may take it personally when I find it too difficult to have a conversation with them.  Please don't take it personally if I haven't returned a phone call or an email.  I just need some time, because misery doesn't alway love company.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Memories of Abby

5 weeks ago today, Abby passed away.  This morning has been a little rough.. I'm just missing her. I like having pictures of her around the house, but sometimes I'll stare at them and miss her so much that my heart literally hurts.  She has been gone for 5 weeks, but it feels like I haven't seen her in years.  I just miss her laugh and her cuddles.

So, I want to redirect my focus today.  I want to talk about memories and all of the things that Abby did to make me laugh.

She used to laugh so hard and loud at her own jokes. She thought she was the funniest girl in the whole world.  She was pretty funny, too.  I caught her on more than one occasion practicing telling jokes in the mirror and laughing at herself.

She loved singing and dancing and performing, but it had to be on her own terms.  She loved to be the center of attention unless we wanted her to be.

She NEVER stopped talking or making noise.  The house is a lot quieter now and I miss her insanity!

She had absolutely no control over her temper.  She got so mad so fast.  There was no in between with Abby, she was either super happy or super mad.  There was never a question about how Abby was feeling.

A couple of summers ago, Abby had absolutely no interest in riding a bike, she would rather run.  Whenever her brothers would go for a bike ride, Abby would just run behind them.  She didn't care that she wasn't even close to keeping up with their bikes, she was doing what she wanted to do and it was hilarious.  I can picture the boys riding their bikes to the end of the street and back and Abby "hanging out" with them but not anywhere close to them having the time of her life. It makes me laugh every time.

She loved reading, writing and drawing.  She was really good at all three.  I'm happy to have some of her artwork framed and have some of her writing in a notebooks, and on the bookshelf, and on the wall in the back of her closet. 

She left us with a lot of memories,  I obviously could sit here and write all day.  She was an amazing little girl full of laughter (most of the time).  I am so thankful that I got to be her mom.

If anyone reading this has any memories, please share them with me in a comment.  I would love to read about how Abby affected you or made you laugh (or made you mad, even).  I look forward to hearing about my awesome little girl from you. 

Today, I will focus on how much she made me laugh!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Unorganized Thoughts

I have been thinking an awful lot about starting a blog to get some of these thoughts that are swirling in my head on "paper" and  organized.   I'm not sure where to start, so perhaps the first few posts will be a little disorganized, I won't apologize for it.
2013 has brought about an entirely new life for me, full of change.  This blog will be about that.  Although the events that have transpired are sad, tragic and life altering, I refuse to be a "victim" of my circumstances.
I have been broken, but I am seeking answers and throughout this process I may address some things that make me (and others) uncomfortable, but I feel like that is important to make sure that I am being honest with myself in what I am writing.

I can't change anything that has happened.  Even if I turned back time to the day that Abby was rushed to the hospital, I wouldn't be able to change the outcome.  What happened to Abigail was unpredictable, unpreventable and untreatable.  No matter how many times my daughter (Calla), my dad, Aaron or I replay the day and the events in our heads and reflect on how we could have done things differently, nothing would have saved her life.  That, in a strange way, is a good thing.  There is no second guessing, no guilt.  NOTHING that any of us could have done would have changed a thing.  Realizing, and being able to process this has been a crucial part to the beginning of healing.  Knowing that nothing on Earth could have saved her leads me to my next question... Why?

The ONLY sense I can make of it AT ALL, is that Abby's perfect little organs helped save the lives of several other precious children (and one adult).   In some cases, these children would have definitely passed away if it weren't for Abby. In other cases, these kids would survive, but their quality of life would continue to be poor and they would still be suffering from their illnesses.  We received a letter from one of the families who received a kidney from Abigail.  This little boy is 7 years old and has been on dialysis for almost 7 years.  He no longer needs dialysis and can finally be a kid!   People have told me that I am strong, but I think the single mother of that little boy is so much stronger.  What happened to my daughter was swift and although it is heart wrenching and something that I don't know that I will ever completely understand, I wasn't left to wonder what would happen to her for more than 2 days.  This mother has had to worry about her son and whether he'd wake up in the morning for almost 7 years... I would not be able to handle that.

I'm taking this one day at a time, and although some days are harder than others, life goes on for me.  It won't stop and I have to figure out how to live a life that allows me (and my other children) to grieve, heal and appreciate the time that we got to be Abby's family.