Thursday, February 20, 2014

Calla's perspective

I'm hoping one day Calla will be able to share with me the nightmare that she experienced the day that Abby was screaming about how much her head hurts.  She and my dad were watching Abby that horrible day.  I would love to be able to help her deal with the things she experienced and the heartbreaking emotions that she felt.  Until then, I think what she wrote about Abby is beautiful and it is a great start.

This is what Calla wrote about her baby sister, Abigail.  It is beautiful and it breaks my heart at the same time.  I love my daughter with all that I am and I hope that someday she will be able to realize what an amazing sister she was and how much Abby adored her.

I feel like writing about my sister Abby right now ... She passed away this summer on June 14th, many of you know this. She was my best friend, I told her everything. I told her things I never told anyone else, and to this day I still have told no one else. Even though she was only 7 I could trust her with anything, she was a great secret keeper. She was a very hyper girl and she always had the attention on her. She was very extreme she was never mellow she was either super happy or mad or excited or whatever she was NEVER calm. She made everything exciting (except for cleaning our room). We shared a room her whole life and I miss that . I sometimes look over and try to say something to her, but then I remember she's not there. That's one of the hardest things , it's just like sometimes my brain forgets that she's gone like I don't want to believe it. I had so many plans as a big sister, I was excited I could help her with boys or drive her to the mall when we were both older. You know the things that older sisters do. Sometimes we fight but I would give anything to fight with her again. She was always there when I needed her or wanted someone to hang out with. We used to watch Ghost Adventures together that was one of her favorite shows. I always made her watch scary movies with me because I wanted her to like them when she grew up. I could sit here for hours and go on about everything I miss about her. She was one of the only people I could trust. I will never stop missing her and I will never be able to replace her. I love you and miss you Abby, I hope you're having fun in heaven. <3

Please keep Calla in your prayers as she continues to try to navigate the loss of her sister and best friend.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Firsts and Lasts

I've been having a rough week.  I have been trying to figure out exactly what is going on with me because my emotions have been all over the place and I've felt a bit bipolar.

As I was sitting here, I was trying to figure out exactly what is bothering me.  There is the obvious answer... but what, specifically, is getting to me lately?  I realized that I recently filled out my taxes and that is where it started.  It was the first time that I wasn't able to claim all 4 of my children as dependents. I claimed two, not four and it was the last time that Abby will ever be listed as a dependent of mine.  It was emotionally jarring, but I intentionally ignored the sadness that I felt because I had so many things left to do that day.

Another thing that is cutting deeply is Valentine's day.  Although, as an adult, I don't care about it, Abby loved it.  I keep seeing all of these really cute Valentine's day crafts that Abby would have loved to do.  My boys need to bring something for their class tomorrow, and it will be the last time that I buy cute little gifts for their classmates.  So, this is the first Valentine's day in the last 16 years without a little girl to do cute things with, and the last Valentine's day that any of my kids will care about.

As I was getting ready this morning, I realized that Abby's snow boots are sitting right next to my night stand. First winter without her, last winter I'll ever have little snow boots in my house.

It all just leaves me a little sad.