When it starts, I have no idea how to contain it. I can't control it, I can't stop it and the more I worry about how to deal with it or if I'm going to make the right choices while dealing with it, the worse it gets. It could last for a couple hours, it could be days... I never know when or how it will end.
I beat myself up. I feel tremendous guilt. I feel like I'll never be a good enough mom. I have 3 children who need me, but I don't even know how I am going to make it through the night sometimes. My heart actually aches, my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I believe a million horrible things about myself because I'm so depressed and anxiety ridden, but I'm supposed to be this strong, loving, healthy and positive person who has everything together.
I start telling myself that no one really wants someone like me around. Who would want someone like me around?? It wouldn't make sense that anyone would value a relationship with me. I don't have anything to offer anyone... I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve someone that would love me through this.
Once my anxiety starts, it's like I'm a completely different person than who I normally am.... but what if this is really who I am, and the rest of the time I am pretending?
My first instinct is to push everyone away... It's almost a compulsion.... I'll remember that I told my friends that I would hang out with them tomorrow, but I'm definitely not going and I'll just send a text and cancel. I will push everyone away before they walk away... it will be my choice. When I recognize that I am doing that, and I try to counteract it and be honest with people about it, things get messed up. I start to stress out about how I am going to handle myself around them the next time I see them, or the stupid insecure things I might say the next time I talk to them. I can't explain to them "Hey, I really value our relationship, but right at this very moment I believe that you don't want anything to do with me. Please just tell me why you like me, so that I can begin to find some positive things to tell myself right now."
You have to really trust someone to be that open and vulnerable with them... most of the time I'm too afraid to say anything because my fears will be confirmed. It is much safer and less hurtful to make the decision remove myself before they make the decision that I am disposable.
I am in the middle of the beginning part of the anxiety attack right now. The part where it would definitely be better if I just didn't talk to anyone right now. I can't think of one single reason that it would be beneficial to be with someone else right now, but all I want to do is to call someone and BEG them to spend some time with me. I won't do it. I'm not that person. I am not someone who needs anyone else to be happy or to be OK. I guess I would rather take that to an extreme than to be considered needy or codependent.
But it's normal for humans to crave human interaction, right? It doesn't make me crazy or insecure to desire to speak with, or be in the company of, or get a hug from someone, right? I don't know... I don't know how to maintain friendships/relationships.
I would give anyone anything at anytime. I LOVE helping people and loving people, I just don't know how to ask for that in return... I can't ask for it because I don't feel like I deserve it.
I have no answers at this very moment.
If you are reading this, I hope you aren't hoping I tell you how to get through it... I have no idea.
If you are reading this, please don't feel the need to "fix" it for me.
If you are reading this, please don't leave a comment full of compliments.
If you are reading this, the last thing I want from you is sympathy, that would make me angry because I would feel patronized.
I am only writing this blog right at this very moment so that I don't destroy relationships in my life because that is exactly what I would be doing right now.
I am writing to replace the compulsion to call and beg someone to accept me. I am writing JUST distract myself.
Feel sorry for me if you want... or don't... I don't care. But PLEASE don't leave a comment that tells me that you do.
If you are absolutely DYING to tell me how to get over it, or to tell me that you are praying for me, or to tell me that God is enough, or that I am strong or that I am lovely... don't. Tell me a joke, instead. Make me laugh. If I made you feel something with this blog, tell me your best or your worst joke... After all, I think that sums me up pretty well. - "Make me feel something, and I'll make a joke"