Monday, October 13, 2014


I've been having dreams about Abby lately.  Normally, I can only vaguely remember them.  I always wish they were more clear and it always worries me that I'm actually forgetting things about her because I can't remember the dreams very well.

I want to remember the way she smiled, the way she talked, the way she laughed and played.  I know that I will always have a general memory of her, but the scariest thing is forgetting the small things that made her MY Abigail.

Maybe it was a conscious effort on my part, but last night I had a dream that seemed to last the entire night.  A dream where I made sure that I looked at her face and in her eyes.  I studied her smile and the way her mouth formed her words. I memorized the goofy faces she made when she was talking sarcastically and making jokes.  I kissed the bridge of her nose between her eyes, sideways, like I always used to do.  I did that again remembering how my kiss seemed to fit perfectly there, and I did it again just to make sure I could remember.  I cuddled with her and could actually feel the way she would mold right into me and how she was the best cuddler in the world.  We sat on the couch and we watched Paula Zahn on T.V. because Abby loved the way she talked.  

During the dream, I knew that she was dead, but I contemplated living in a fake/crazy world where I could just pretend that she was still here with me, no matter what people thought of me. It seemed like a great alternative to reality.  

Last night made me more thankful for sleep than I've ever been.  I'm hoping that I can continue to use sleep as an alternate reality so that my days don't hurt so much. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


There is so much that I want to write.

First of all... Through this blog, I met an amazing woman named Lacey and her family.  Her son, Collin, had an AVM rupture late last year.  I had the privilege to visit them and spend some time with them in the hospital.  Collin survived his rupture and now faces struggles that I can not even imagine. You can follow his journey and progress at Collin's Journey .
Their story (and faith) has amazed me and I believe that Lacey, Jamie and Devon possess strength that none of us can comprehend.
She has been an amazing support to me and I am very thankful for her.

Secondly... I came across this picture of Nate's prayer while Abby was in the hospital.  He has been the only one of my children that will not talk about the day Abigail got sick.  It breaks my heart that he has internalized so much and I pray that one day he will open up.

Third... My sister, Liz took the picture of me holding Abby's hand while she was in a coma.  I had absolutely no idea that she did and I am so incredibly grateful that she did.  It is a heartbreaking picture, but it is the last picture that I have of me and my baby.  She also put together a photo book for me that I am able to look through time to time.  Sometimes, it's too painful...other times, it is comforting.  I absolutely love that book.

Next... My first Mother's day without my sweet Abigail came and it began with me waking up in tears.  My boys heard me crying and dropped what they were doing to come and comfort me.  They were precious.  They hugged me, rubbed my back, told me that they missed her too, and started talking about fun memories. They are the best sons that a mother could ever ask for.  Calla made me a collage poster with pictures of all 4 of my kids, and it was the best present I could have imagined receiving.  My kids, who I am supposed to be so strong for, were my rocks and I am so proud of the strength and love that they possess.

Lastly...  Tomorrow marks 11 months since Abigail passed away.  I am terrified at the prospect of the year anniversary of her death.  This next month may be the hardest one yet and I do not know how to prepare.  Please keep my family and me in your prayers, send me pictures of her if you have them, and or memories of her.  I would love to read about the impression that she left on you.  She was amazing, inspiring, full of life and excitement... she will always be a part of who I am, but I am scared that I will forget things about her as time moves on.

Thank you all for your love and support.  I would not have made it through this past year without you.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Calla's perspective

I'm hoping one day Calla will be able to share with me the nightmare that she experienced the day that Abby was screaming about how much her head hurts.  She and my dad were watching Abby that horrible day.  I would love to be able to help her deal with the things she experienced and the heartbreaking emotions that she felt.  Until then, I think what she wrote about Abby is beautiful and it is a great start.

This is what Calla wrote about her baby sister, Abigail.  It is beautiful and it breaks my heart at the same time.  I love my daughter with all that I am and I hope that someday she will be able to realize what an amazing sister she was and how much Abby adored her.

I feel like writing about my sister Abby right now ... She passed away this summer on June 14th, many of you know this. She was my best friend, I told her everything. I told her things I never told anyone else, and to this day I still have told no one else. Even though she was only 7 I could trust her with anything, she was a great secret keeper. She was a very hyper girl and she always had the attention on her. She was very extreme she was never mellow she was either super happy or mad or excited or whatever she was NEVER calm. She made everything exciting (except for cleaning our room). We shared a room her whole life and I miss that . I sometimes look over and try to say something to her, but then I remember she's not there. That's one of the hardest things , it's just like sometimes my brain forgets that she's gone like I don't want to believe it. I had so many plans as a big sister, I was excited I could help her with boys or drive her to the mall when we were both older. You know the things that older sisters do. Sometimes we fight but I would give anything to fight with her again. She was always there when I needed her or wanted someone to hang out with. We used to watch Ghost Adventures together that was one of her favorite shows. I always made her watch scary movies with me because I wanted her to like them when she grew up. I could sit here for hours and go on about everything I miss about her. She was one of the only people I could trust. I will never stop missing her and I will never be able to replace her. I love you and miss you Abby, I hope you're having fun in heaven. <3

Please keep Calla in your prayers as she continues to try to navigate the loss of her sister and best friend.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Firsts and Lasts

I've been having a rough week.  I have been trying to figure out exactly what is going on with me because my emotions have been all over the place and I've felt a bit bipolar.

As I was sitting here, I was trying to figure out exactly what is bothering me.  There is the obvious answer... but what, specifically, is getting to me lately?  I realized that I recently filled out my taxes and that is where it started.  It was the first time that I wasn't able to claim all 4 of my children as dependents. I claimed two, not four and it was the last time that Abby will ever be listed as a dependent of mine.  It was emotionally jarring, but I intentionally ignored the sadness that I felt because I had so many things left to do that day.

Another thing that is cutting deeply is Valentine's day.  Although, as an adult, I don't care about it, Abby loved it.  I keep seeing all of these really cute Valentine's day crafts that Abby would have loved to do.  My boys need to bring something for their class tomorrow, and it will be the last time that I buy cute little gifts for their classmates.  So, this is the first Valentine's day in the last 16 years without a little girl to do cute things with, and the last Valentine's day that any of my kids will care about.

As I was getting ready this morning, I realized that Abby's snow boots are sitting right next to my night stand. First winter without her, last winter I'll ever have little snow boots in my house.

It all just leaves me a little sad.

Friday, January 10, 2014


2013 was full of change for me.  I started the year with a family of 6.  At the beginning of February, my husband moved out and we got divorced.  We split custody of the 4 children 50/50.  So, being alone 50% of the time was an adjustment, but I navigated my way pretty well through that change.  In June, Abigail passed away and I was left with one less child.  My family of 6 became a family of 4... Calla, Trevor, Nate and me.  I still haven't figured out exactly how to navigate this change so gracefully.  As a matter of fact, sometimes the way I deal with it is completely ugly and ungraceful.  I'm not sure how ANYONE would deal with it, but I am doing my best.

We still legally have 50/50 custody of the children, but Calla stays with me and my dad at my house.  There are definite emotional struggles that I still need to figure out how to deal with, but again, I am working on it.

The more "realistic" issues that I've recently thought about that I haven't figured out yet are things like grocery shopping and cooking.  I used to shop and cook for 7 people, and I haven't adjusted to shopping and cooking for 3 people half of the time and 5 people the other half.  I either really over-do the shopping and cooking and have so much left over that even if we eat it for 3 days, I still have to throw food away, OR I under estimate the amount of groceries/toilet paper and cooking and we run out of things.  If I could figure this out, I could probably save a good amount of money.

The other issue that I seem to be failing at, is making sure that my kids have enough of things... socks, boots, gloves etc.   With split custody, I think this can be figured out with time, experience and communication.  I assume that their stuff is at their dad's house and he probably assumes that they have these things at my house.   I recently found out that my kids don't have snow boots!?!  I should know this stuff... I guess there is a lot going on in my mind, but it's just another example of the adjustments to divorce.

3 children is A LOT less than 4.  I didn't realize what a big difference there was between those numbers, but everything take a little less work.  My kids are growing up and need me less, and my baby is gone.  Abby was the one that I had to help the most with day to day things.  It has left me with a lot of time on my hands.  I sometimes can't handle the downtime and just recently realized that I need to be more productive with my healing, especially during these times that I have to myself.  Someone recently told me that I have been spending too much time and energy ignoring the changes instead of dealing with them.  Although that was hard to hear, he was right.   Since then, I have sought help, found information to help me when I'm starting to panic and have made a plan of action.  It's in its early stages, but I am determined to see it through.

2013 took a lot from me.  Now it's time to find out who I am with my small family of 4.  This is going to be hard.