Friday, June 12, 2015
By now, most of you know what happened with Abigail. If you don't know the whole story, you can read the blog >> here . <<
On Friday, June 14, 2013, Abby was pronounced dead. We had already made the decision to donate her organs, so she would be kept on the machines in order to maintain organ function until the next day. I was able to stay with her body on Friday night and on Saturday morning the man in charge of coordinating the surgeries for Abby and her recipients came to me with a problem and asked me to make a decision.
The child who was supposed to receive Abby's heart was too sick and could not be cleared for a transplant that day. He explained to me that there was another little boy that was a match and her heart could be gifted to him, but we would have to wait one more day for his surgery team to prepare. This meant that everything would be delayed one day. He told me that he understood if we wanted to just go ahead and do the transplants that day because it would be very difficult emotionally for me and her dad to delay the inevitable for one more day. I asked him if all of the other surgery teams would be able to wait until the next day so that Abby's heart did not go to waste. She had a perfect little heart and without being able to donate her heart, none of it would have felt worth it. To me, the answer was obvious...we wait one more day so that another child would live.
I had the privilege to stay with her body one more night.
I hovered over her and stroked her hair, studied her face and kissed her. I held my face close to hers and I finally had a chance to ask God the most obvious question...WHY?
I said, "God, she is only 7 years old. Why was she only able to stay here for 7 years? What was the purpose? Why would she be given to me and then taken away?"
God's response was this. "She has fulfilled her purpose. She was here to save lives. I entrusted her to you, but she was never yours. She was always mine."
Immediately, a peace and a thankfulness that I can not quite understand or explain came over me. At that very moment, I felt incredibly special. I felt chosen. God trusted me with the most amazing soul that I have ever known.
I made a deal with God. I told him that I would never question him and I promised not to be angry with him. All I asked was that he would take the unbearable pain that I felt and lessen it. I needed to be able to continue to raise my other children and I needed his help desperately.
He has never failed to keep his end of the bargain... I have done my best to keep mine.
After that conversation, I sat back in my chair and let God speak to me.
He told me that he understood my pain. He knew exactly what I was feeling and he knows what it is like to lose a child. He chose to lose his son to save souls, and although, I did not choose this, my daughter also lost her life to save lives.
The parallel that I was able to draw between the two, made God's sacrifice for my salvation more personal than I could have ever imagined.
If given the choice to be Abigail's mom for almost 8 years, knowing that I would lose her so that she could give life to others and be the answer to countless prayers, I can say with certainty that I would say NO. Herein lies the difference between God and me. He CHOSE to give up his one and only son because he loves us so much. I am tainted with selfishness, He is the absolute definition of love.
I am thankful that he knew not to give me that choice. I am grateful that he allowed me to be Abigail's mother. I would not give up the years that I had her here with me for anything.
God purposed Abigail for miraculous things and to be the answer to desperate prayers. He knew exactly what he was doing and my heartbreak is lessened by the fact that she and her perfect little body did exactly what she was purposed for.
I can only hope that the same can be said for me some day.
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You are so strong. Thank you for sharing this. Bless you.ReplyDelete
As heartbreaking as it is losing one you love, You seem like you weren't mad at God as most others would be or are..You only questioned him. Some PPL say we're not meant to bury our children,if that were true there wouldn't be so many children passing on before their parents.Even though your questions & the answers came out so beautifully, I'm sure even to this day it tears your family up terribly,although her purpose may have been to help others,Abby has taught you & your family much more than you may realize. You were able to love & know Abby. I do know parents who never had been able to see their child take one breath.One of those couples God took their child to save the child & mother from the evil the father would've done,as he's done to another child.. I know in my heart Abby has great parents who love her today as much as they have since day 1. May god bless & ease your souls with his love. Most of my family know I'm not outspoken about my religious beliefs & ect.,But I do believe in God. Cousin Daniel F.ReplyDelete
This touched my heart. Thank you for sharing such a precious and personal experience. I pray for God's continued peace and comfort for you.ReplyDelete
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In 1996 on My September 24th my 15 year old son was involved in a car accident. he was thrown from the vehicle and received a traumatic brain injury. he was taken to Garden City Hospital and after test they said he needed to be flown out to U of M, so I came back to my home pack the bag because I knew I wasn't coming back for a while and off we went for a nightmarish journey. even though he was in a coma and a shunt was put in his head, at first we were told to talk to him. after the second day they put him into a Pentabarb coma so his brain could rest. For 4 more days family and friends were at his bedside. My sons and I never left the hospital to return home. On the fifth day his brain started to swell more and they were trying all the medicines that they had to stop the swelling. His body then developed pneumonia. On the sixth day they said it wasn't looking too good, although they couldn't tell me whether he had brain function or not, which I never really got an answer to. On the 7th day his intercranial pressure was fatally high. I always wondered why they couldn't remove the top of his cranium until the swelling went down like they do in so many cases, but it was never suggested to us as an option. We then discussed Organ donation and because of the laws that the right to lifers have, because his eyes responded to light which we knew was an automatic response from the brain stem but kept me from donating any of his internal organs except his leg bones, his corneas, and his skin. I was furious! there were children there fighting for their lives and here was my son's strong beating heart and all healthy organs that I could not help other children who needed them have!! We turned the respirator off on the 7th day and his body took two breaths and moved for a second and he was gone! The pain was undescribable. My work expected me to come back as a child care worker in 2 days! I was unable to return. They ask me to resign.The pain does not go away.ReplyDelete
How wise God is to have given this precious treasure to you to love for over 7 years. Abby was a miracle sent from God. Love you so much.ReplyDelete