Today, June 4, 2015, this memory was on my timehop app. Exactly ten days after I declared this on twitter, I was proven right in the most horrific way. I don't remember exactly what made me type this out for social media, but today, this statement makes me cringe. It sounds so callous and uncaring. Maybe I was trying to make myself feel better about something I was going through, maybe I was being a sarcastic jerk... I'm not sure. This post however made me feel enough discomfort to finally write another post.
I've been thinking about other cliche' sayings, such as, "hurting people, hurt people" and "you can only give as much as you have to give".
No one said that life was going to be fair, but sometimes, the unfairness of it all makes me want to scream. In 10 days, it will have been 2 years since I lost my youngest daughter. She would be 10 in July. I miss her every day. Some days are easier than others, but the number one challenge that I face nowadays is that I fear I am doing irreparable damage to some of the closest relationships that I have.
I have a very difficult time being around young girls. It felt normal at the beginning to feel jealousy or sadness when Abby's friends or cousins would have birthdays, dance recitals, cheer competitions, play-dates, etc. However, I thought those feelings would decrease with time. Unfortunately, those feelings have increased with time.
I've RSVP'd for birthday parties that I can not bring myself to attend. I feel guilty that I let these feelings interfere with the relationships of my friends/cousins/sisters that have daughters.
I am thankful that I don't ever have to apologize for not being able to give more than I have.
I am thankful for the people in my life that challenge me and help me through the things that I can not get through my self. I am also thankful that I am surrounded by people who understand that I am doing my best and that are gracious enough to let me fall short without judgement.
In turn, I have learned grace in dealing with others. I am constantly reminded that some people are dealing with things that I could never comprehend, and they cope the only way they know how. They can not give more than they have to give.
These past 2 years have been challenging in every way. I have been challenged to be slow to anger, I have been challenged to be patient, I have been challenged to remain full of faith, I have been challenged to love people where they're at and not judge them, I have been challenged to deny my pride and admit when I need help and I have been challenged to choose joy. I don't always succeed, but I will never give up.