I've been avoiding writing because trying to tackle my thoughts the past couple days has been too painful. I have been trying to stay busy with anything that will keep my mind off of any of the things that are too painful to deal with.
Yesterday was a tough day. I was doing my laundry and for some reason, a pair of Abby's pants were in my dirty clothes. I wasn't expecting it, but I broke down. It was an unanticipated emotional response that caught me off guard and almost sent me back to bed. My mom was there with me and I told her what had happened. I knew she wanted to comfort me, but I wouldn't let her... I walked away. When I am really sad, I want to be alone. I don't want to share my grief with anyone because 1.) I don't want anyone to see me like that and 2.) I know that it will make whoever I'm with sad, as well, and I will end up feeling the need to comfort them.
There are some days where I am completely overwhelmed and can't even start the simplest of tasks. That is when I appreciate someone being there to help motivate me, and my mom is always there for that.
Yesterday, after the laundry incident, I decided to give up on the day (it was 4pm). The kids were at their dad's house, so I figured I would just take a shower and go to bed for the night. After my shower, I laid down and tried to sleep. I had told some friends that I would come hang out with them, but I decided to skip that and be alone in my misery... or sleep to forget about it. While I was laying there, I kept thinking that I really needed to get up and go, otherwise this depression was really going to take over. So, I got up. I went to my friend's house, and I was blessed with exactly what I needed. These friends will let me talk about Abby without getting upset...they listen. They will smile with me when I want to talk about how amazing she was and how proud I am to have been chosen to be her mom. They will dance with me because they know exactly how to lift my spirits. They will pray with me because they know that God is the only one who can truly comfort me. I am so incredibly blessed to have friends like this. Besides these particular friends, I have realized that I am surrounded by people who love me and would do anything for me and my family. I may not always be able to ask for what I need, I may not always be able to talk to them because it's too difficult, but I will always appreciate everything that they have done for me, are willing to do for me, and how much they love me.
I know that my friends want to be there for me, and sometimes that they may take it personally when I find it too difficult to have a conversation with them. Please don't take it personally if I haven't returned a phone call or an email. I just need some time, because misery doesn't alway love company.