Thursday, July 18, 2013

Unorganized Thoughts

I have been thinking an awful lot about starting a blog to get some of these thoughts that are swirling in my head on "paper" and  organized.   I'm not sure where to start, so perhaps the first few posts will be a little disorganized, I won't apologize for it.
2013 has brought about an entirely new life for me, full of change.  This blog will be about that.  Although the events that have transpired are sad, tragic and life altering, I refuse to be a "victim" of my circumstances.
I have been broken, but I am seeking answers and throughout this process I may address some things that make me (and others) uncomfortable, but I feel like that is important to make sure that I am being honest with myself in what I am writing.

I can't change anything that has happened.  Even if I turned back time to the day that Abby was rushed to the hospital, I wouldn't be able to change the outcome.  What happened to Abigail was unpredictable, unpreventable and untreatable.  No matter how many times my daughter (Calla), my dad, Aaron or I replay the day and the events in our heads and reflect on how we could have done things differently, nothing would have saved her life.  That, in a strange way, is a good thing.  There is no second guessing, no guilt.  NOTHING that any of us could have done would have changed a thing.  Realizing, and being able to process this has been a crucial part to the beginning of healing.  Knowing that nothing on Earth could have saved her leads me to my next question... Why?

The ONLY sense I can make of it AT ALL, is that Abby's perfect little organs helped save the lives of several other precious children (and one adult).   In some cases, these children would have definitely passed away if it weren't for Abby. In other cases, these kids would survive, but their quality of life would continue to be poor and they would still be suffering from their illnesses.  We received a letter from one of the families who received a kidney from Abigail.  This little boy is 7 years old and has been on dialysis for almost 7 years.  He no longer needs dialysis and can finally be a kid!   People have told me that I am strong, but I think the single mother of that little boy is so much stronger.  What happened to my daughter was swift and although it is heart wrenching and something that I don't know that I will ever completely understand, I wasn't left to wonder what would happen to her for more than 2 days.  This mother has had to worry about her son and whether he'd wake up in the morning for almost 7 years... I would not be able to handle that.

I'm taking this one day at a time, and although some days are harder than others, life goes on for me.  It won't stop and I have to figure out how to live a life that allows me (and my other children) to grieve, heal and appreciate the time that we got to be Abby's family.


  1. I didn't know about the letter you got. That's awesome! Bittersweet. She is a little hero to that family (& the others) and that IS amazing.
    I miss her.

  2. So glad you are blogging. I hope it helps to get the words out.

  3. I hope to follow your blog as best I can, Julie. It is healthy for you to be honest. I am so proud of you for choosing not to be a victim of your circumstances, and I know that doesn't mean that you will not grieve or that you will just go on with life as usual. Your process in grieving is your own and there should be NO expectation from others of what that looks like or how long it takes. People who have not experienced loss may have a hard time understanding, and that is OK. The promise that we have from the Lord is not that He will keep us from pain, rather that He will simply BE WITH US through it. The book "hinds' feet on high places" by hannah hurnard is an allegory that has helped me understand God's love for us in the midst of pain. As well, God had put the book "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman in my hands 5 weeks ago. I believe this timing was not a coincidence. If you ever want to get away, give me a call. We would love to host you anytime. Wish I could give you a real hug today, but a virtual one will have to do for now. (((Hugs)))