Firsts and Lasts

I've been having a rough week.  I have been trying to figure out exactly what is going on with me because my emotions have been all over the place and I've felt a bit bipolar.

As I was sitting here, I was trying to figure out exactly what is bothering me.  There is the obvious answer... but what, specifically, is getting to me lately?  I realized that I recently filled out my taxes and that is where it started.  It was the first time that I wasn't able to claim all 4 of my children as dependents. I claimed two, not four and it was the last time that Abby will ever be listed as a dependent of mine.  It was emotionally jarring, but I intentionally ignored the sadness that I felt because I had so many things left to do that day.

Another thing that is cutting deeply is Valentine's day.  Although, as an adult, I don't care about it, Abby loved it.  I keep seeing all of these really cute Valentine's day crafts that Abby would have loved to do.  My boys need to bring something for their class tomorrow, and it will be the last time that I buy cute little gifts for their classmates.  So, this is the first Valentine's day in the last 16 years without a little girl to do cute things with, and the last Valentine's day that any of my kids will care about.

As I was getting ready this morning, I realized that Abby's snow boots are sitting right next to my night stand. First winter without her, last winter I'll ever have little snow boots in my house.

It all just leaves me a little sad.